America, Can't We Do Better Than "Christmas-Tree Bomber"? It's Just Going to Lead to Confusing Typos

Well, well, well. Portland, Oregon was all over the news this last weekend, and this time it wasn’t to celebrate bicycle-recycling-gastronomy culture. No, instead Portland played host to this years first holiday season Terror-gasm, this time involving a maladjusted teenager who fucking hates tinsel. While most reports on the situation have focused on comments made by the would-be bomber about wanting a high body count, and about the process of radicalization – particularly of US citizens – I’ve found little coverage outside of the wacky HuffPo that even begins to address the creepy fetishists who populate the FBI.

Mohamed Osman Mohamud, the 19 year-old accused with trying to explode Pioneer Courthouse Square last Friday, may have been a dangerous person. Or he may have been a pissed-off teenager who after dropping out of OSU was looking for someone to blame, or whatever people do when they come face to face with their limitations. Either way, the young man was apparently in contact with an unnamed but known person in Pakistan or Yemen or, you know, one of those places. He was then approached by the FBI, who were all “yo, we totes want to help kill some Americans, bro. Allah’s great. Lets get together and build some bombs.”

The idea that Mohamud was actively seeking to kill people on his own are convenient, but somewhat undermined by his apparent, uh, life: He “ran with fratboys,” drank, smoked, went to the mall, and date-raped co-eds (maybe) with impunity on Halloween. Sounds like an average college-boy/moron to me. So maybe the FBI pushed him into the plot, and we’ll probably get a slow trickle of new information over the next year, unless Mr. Mohamud changes his plea.

But the most fucked up part of this is thinking about what the FBI is doing. From the what’s been released it seems like the agents working this case are fucking method actors extraordinaire. In other words, these guys watch 24 with their pants at their ankles and a nylon cord around their necks.

Also, it’s a little suspicious that they took the plot so far, play-acting the whole damn thing, including having the suspect use a cell phone to “activate” the “device.” Apparently they could have arrested Mohamud for mailing bomb components months ago, or they could have had him reach out further to the terrorist community and maybe gain information how they work within our country. But none of that would have created the spectacle of last Friday and the court proceedings that will follow. Maybe its got something to do with the fact that Portland opted out of the Joint Terrorism Task Force some years ago, the only “major” city to do so thus far. Nothing like a huge spectacle to close the ranks, right? And how can a threat be “very real” when the authorities knew it was not, you know, real. Maybe they meant “very realistic.”

As if on cue, City Commissioner Dan Saltzman today urged the city to rejoin the Task Force right away, before the holiday heartburn wears off. Hmm. So, what does it mean when the FBI intentionally scares the shit out of an entire city, or state, just to make a point?

And how does this make Portland look silly, which is the point of this blog, you say? Best quote ever, from an accused terrorist:

Federal agents said Mr. Mohamud thought Portland would be a good target because Americans “don’t see it as a place where anything will happen.”

“It’s in Oregon; and Oregon, like you know, nobody ever thinks about it,” an affidavit quotes him as saying

Nuh-uh! We’re cutting edge dude. People totally think of us all the time! Bike Lanes!